The Latest Russian Hack- TITs
In an increasingly dangerous world who would have thought the next threat would come from breasts?
After the Russia-Trump collusion story collapsed, everyone breathed a sigh of relief that the US President did not sell out to the Russky’s. Unfortunately, like a Phoenix rising up from the ashes of the collusion hoax, we now face a new, potentially more dangerous threat- TITS.
According to an anonymous, highly-placed individual of dubious veracity in the Biden administration, Russian scientists have succeeded in developing eavesdropping devices that can be inserted in breast implants. Known as tiny intramammary transmitters (TITs), they are almost undetectable and can provide for extremely clear recording and transmission of conversations carried on in the vicinity of breasts containing these modified implants. Apparently, fidelity is so good because of the stereo nature of the recordings. It is alleged that Russian President-for-life, Vladimir Putin, tried to do his Tucker Carlson interview baredchested. Fortunately, Carlson’s team said, “No, thank you.”
Russian agents disguised as illegal Mexican immigrants have streamed across our unsecured southern border and infiltrated the manufacturing facilities of all major breast implant makers. It is estimated that millions of the modified implants have been shipped and inserted into unsuspecting women by their equally clueless plastic surgeons. The trial bar is reportedly nearly delirious about the prospect of a new class action suit revolving around TITs.
In the case of TITs, size matters. D cup breasts show better pick up and transmission capabilities than C cups, and so on. It is estimated that a DDD cup pair of TITs can pick up quiet conversation from across a crowded room. E or F cup TITs might have a range of several city blocks.
The national security implications of TITs are extremely worrisome. There are millions of women out there with breast implants and there is no way to know which ones may be picking up and transmitting conversations around them. It is a well-accepted fact that proximity to an attractive pair of breasts tends to make most men stupid and talkative, as well as lowering their guard. It follows that in such situations, men might divulge sensitive information they might otherwise not, perhaps because they are so mentally befuddled or possibly in a deliberate effort to impress the owner of said pair of attractive breasts.
Intelligence services are particularly concerned given the proclivity of political leaders and top military brass to seek the company of beautiful, well-endowed women. This could make them uniquely vulnerable to the presence of TITs around him. Counterintelligence agencies are beside themselves. The heads of the FBI, CIA, Secret Service, and DHS have publicly lamented, when the news came out, “First the grabbing, then the tweeting, then the hair sniffing, now it’s TITs. We can’t take much more of this!”
A highly placed source in the CIA has said, “The Russian plan is brilliant! Who would ever suspect you have to be careful what you say around women with large breasts? You could not find a better way to obtain classified or sensitive information than when someone’s guard is down. Breasts are the future of information gathering.” Until this issue is resolved, only women with A cup breasts will be considered for sensitive government positions. NOW and other feminist organizations are crying “FOUL!” and planning another million women march on Washington, DC to protest against what they call “big breast bias”.
Wiki Leaks has jumped on this, of course, and even opened up a new website and cell phone app through which they can funnel transcripts of conversations obtained from TITs: www.titter.org.
The government is scrambling to try to recover the modified implants and get them out of circulation but many predict that the effort will be futile as everyone knows how loathe women are to give up their implants. The only hope is a new program suggested by Mentor and Allergan, the two largest manufacturers of breast implants. They have agreed to offer women a free upgrade to larger implants if they will turn in their present ones. The government rests its hope of success for this program on the unverified assumption that nearly all women secretly wish their implants were bigger. To assist with defraying the costs of this exchange program, estimated to be in the hundreds of millions of dollars, the federal government has frozen all subsidies on corn, soy, and tobacco until every TIT is back in the hands of Uncle Sam.
Richard T. Bosshardt, MD, FACS
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